ethical ifs

New England falls, post-Halloween and lumbering sleepily towards the promise of Thanksgiving feasts, always bring to mind one of my favorite movies: The Scent of a Woman.
With lines like "the day we stop looking is the day we die," and Al Pacino playing a stubborn, sarcastic, blind Lieutenant, it has to be a popular favorite. While I haven't watched the movie in ages, it's been on my mind recently. And biking past trees that are turning from yellow to bare, it finally hit me why scenes from the movie have been playing in my head.
The Multistate Professional Responsibility Exam [MPRE] is this Saturday, and I'm having some serious doubts.

It's not that I lack ethics, or a sense of professional responsibility, as many friends have joked. It's just that I'm not quite sure I have the right ones. Because when I walked into a review session last weekend and the first thing I heard was "squeal like a pig and rat on your friends," I realized I might need to seriously study for this one.
I do understand why attorneys need to be ethical. But despite the nuclear winter that is my social life, I have difficulty betraying what friendships I have. And if law school has taught me anything, it's that trampling on people to get a better grade has to be possibly the most abhorrent behavior man is capable of.
I'm sure the American Bar Association is fully aware of this, though. Because why else would they make you rat out your friends under threat of punishment [and possibly disbarment]? Still, that's enough cause for concern to have me hitting the books this week; poring over what behavior is absolutely not permitted and what you might be able to do. And ignoring all lessons learned from The Scent of a Woman.

Of course, the bikes are not only serving as vehicles of distraction and procrastination, but also a source of a fair share of disappointment. Because while I'll be guesstimating my way through the MPRE on Saturday, I will be totally missing NYC Velo's "IF You Please" event. Okay, not that I could ride to Piermont, NY on a single-speed, much less a single-speed Bianchi with the IF show ponies that are inevitably going to show up for this ride, but did I really have to be taking an exam while this was going down? A ride with some awesome guys, the chance to ogle pretty IF bikes, and even talk to IF about your dream bike...It feels harsh...a little cruel, even, that I'll have to miss this.
Professional responsibility, however, dictates that I'll be taking the MPRE. So go for me, please. If only to watch Rich Bravo ghost ride both of his IFs all the way to Piermont and back.

kept

Like most women, in my laziest moments, I've considered it. The concept - at least in the abstract - doesn't sound so bad, and as long as you perform your end of the bargain, there are clearly some tangible rewards to be gained. And it's not like you're chained, unwillingly, to something you never agreed to. The whole concept revolves around acceptance and performance.
I am, of course, referring to being a kept woman.
In actuality - my latent cougar status aside - I could probably never do it [and that's not because of any record of poor performance]. Mostly pouring money into clothes, shoes, bags, and bling are part of a past life that just doesn't interest me.

Well, as long as said clothes, shoes, bags, and bling are not bike-able. I'll pass up the vintage Dior for denim shorts I can bike in and a cassette shirt, Anna Sui pumps for Sidis, Loew bag for the Ortlieb, and Vivienne Westwood earrings for a bike helmet. All signs that I should probably seek immediate help for my blatant obsession. All signs that I'm totally in love with bicycles.
And that's sort of the real reason I could never be a kept woman; in predictable cougar [cub] fashion, I've fallen desperately in love with two very young things. And for now, I'm the one doing the keeping.

Being poor and broke, you might wonder how I manage. It's been no joyride, but somehow I'm cutting enough corners to make ends meet. My loves might be demanding, but I know they're both worth it. Every single penny.
And they've cost me quite a few thousands of pennies, my bikes. From new freewheels to bottom brackets to bar tape to pedals, both the Dolan and Bianchi are bleeding me dry. I'm fully aware of this slow financial death, but instead of maybe streamlining my purchases to the one bike I'm riding on the street, I'm cutting fresh wounds into my bank account, almost relishing in the resulting pain [and hunger]. Because those purchases are making the bikes smoother, lighter, or just harder to pedal. And that makes me love them that much more.

But I'm fickle. So when Andy mentioned the possibility of purchasing an IF, I momentarily forgot about the two ponies already in my stable. I feigned hesitation while my mind raced, imagining paint schemes and matching bar tape and saddles. I attempted to laugh off the suggestion while imagining what tires I'd get. I actually considered it, before trying to forget about it, then thought about it again. It's true. I'd die for an IF.
I'm fully aware of that. But sliding through afternoon NYC streets, scooting around trucks and taxis, my chain rasped noisily and I kicked myself for forgetting to grab some chain lube at the shop. And pushing the pedals a tiny bit harder, I realized that I liked my new gearing a lot; which means that the Dolan needs another cog or two. Those thoughts expanded into lists of bike parts and tools, saddles, new bar tape, and winter tires, before I finally admitted it to myself. I can hardly keep up with the demands of two bikes...how could I even think of dealing with three?

Besides, the high cost of maintenance of both of my existing bikes is probably a mixed blessing. Obsessive enough to have meltdowns when even one of my bikes doesn't function properly, pampering three would probably result in institutionalization. Plus that all-too-familiar routine of starvation as I stretch out an already quickly-thinning budget. Something at which even bike friends have rolled their eyes or shaken their heads.
"Dude, make sure you eat," they say.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm just, you know," I usually respond, trying to dismiss the subject entirely with the most inarticulate, vague answer I can think of, too embarrassed to actually complete the sentence.
But I'm sure you'll understand: I'm just, you know, in love.

only if...

Yesterday morning was a disaster. Zero coffee until 11am, a dentist appointment I was late to, frustration at not really having a bike I can do anything with, the empty sense of not really belonging anywhere, and mood swings like woah.
Funny, how, a little past noon, I was standing in a place I would have never expected to be a year ago, surrounded by friends who work in a bike shop in NYC, comfortably snapping too many pictures. And then having lunch with the incredibly awesome people behind Independent Fabrication.

Yup, that's right. I went to IF. I'm still not quite sure how it happened. But when NYC Velo became an IF dealer a few weeks ago, a trip to Boston was planned, and a casual "you should come" turned into a full day of adventure.
It started, of course, in Somerville, at the infamous IF factory. A place I couldn't have dreamed of entering without some tangible pretext [most likely in the form of a credit card and an order form for a custom frame], I entered empty-handed and left with an SD disk full of pictures, a few new friends, and some capacity to dream of racing bicycles again.

Mostly broke and with a knee that's slowly giving out, but simultaenously terrified of the obligation to race that would come with having a fully-functioning geared bike, I'm currently having a classic love/hate relationship with the Bianchi. Yesterday it was mostly hate/hate to the point where I was hating all bicycles. Yet somehow I dragged the tractorino to Somerville to a place full of too pretty bicycles and a spray-painted wooden sign that demanded those within those factory walls to "Live the Dream."

An audacious command, the desire to do exactly that seems to permeate the people of IF. But in a way that doesn't reek of douchebaggery or condescension. The somewhat intimidatingly large logo on the factory door leads into a bike nerd's paradise, but one that's full of friendly, incredibly laid-back people. Serious people who have managed to retain the fun in their work and craft. And that is impressive.
IF's passion for bicycles cleared the doubting depression over my ability to do anything of value on a bicycle. Team jerseys became coveted items again, as did derailleurs. Over lunch at the Tavern At the End of the World, I even jokingly recalled a casual suggestion that, to me, seemed completely absurd: that I should get an IF and race for NYC Velo in Boston. Too bad it was snatched up as "brilliant" and "great" with Andy and Joe [of IF] informing me that I could "totally pull off a Factory Lightweight" but I'd have to wait on a NYC Velo kit that would actually fit.

I blinked before backpedaling in panicked fear, the thought of an IF Factory Lightweight a little too much for my awkward legs to handle. And while talk of racing seemed centered around the kind that involves two derailleurs, NYC Velo managed to leave with the infamous pursuit IF track bike in the back of their car. I even got to touch it.

With a Dolan in my kitchen, racing track seems much more feasible. But when I do decide on something with multiple gears and the ability to shift between them...well, that Factory Lightweight is looking really sexy...