So you know how a few weeks back I posted about the dearth of women’s jerseys without the flowers and all that other lame shit all over it? Well, a bunch of you suggested a bunch of different brands, and naturally I checked them all out.
But one...one stood out.
I thought I had my heart set on the Castelli Magnifica jersey: full zip, lightweight for summer, came in a predominately white color scheme which led me to think that maybe I won’t die of dehydration wearing it, and was just a touch over my expected budget of $150. But then Andy led me to Capo’s website, where I was immediately sold on a white jersey that was not only cheaper but came with boobs...!
Okay, not really, but...how clever. My best friend taught me this trick of framing boobs with a darker color to get them to pop out, and while I’ve never had the balls to execute it, it’s stuck in my mind since. Black is the shade of choice for many women because of it’s flattening effect: it hides the shadows that might protrude from unsightly curves like a muffin top or a tummy. That’s all and well when you’re at a black tie event, but on the bike, if you’re going faster than 5mph for more than 10min, black essentially spells death by dehydration.
But white...so pro, and yet so difficult for women to wear...! White basically takes any curves you have and blows them up by 60%, unless said curves are your boobs, in which case they’re deflated by 45%. So while you might avoid heat stroke in a white jersey, you get to look like a walrus squeezed into sausage casing. If you have broader shoulders like me, they get accentuated by 33%, rendering you into a fatter version of the Hulk on a bicycle. What to do?
Enter Capo’s Cortina jersey [$130]. When I first clicked on it, I expected to see yet another typical white and red jersey. But some genius at Capo has understood the basic concept of adding black accents in all the right places. This means that even if you have nonexistent boobs like me, you don’t have to depend on clever angling and shadow to create an illusion of a rack. BECAUSE CAPO DID IT FOR YOU, ALREADY.
Genius. Really. I can’t imagine what this jersey could do for those ladies who have extant mammary glands. But, that’s not to say that this is the cure-all jersey that’ll keep everything in while lifting other things up and together. Thin and clingy, it fits like a second skin. And being white, that means you don’t get to hide much elsewhere. But fuck me if that thing doesn’t look sharp.
Luckily, I had also ordered the Castelli Leggera vest [$50]. In white, of course. Paper thin but wind and water resistant, it breathed in the right places and appropriately refused to creep up or budge on my ride. It’s fitted enough but keeps things modest, and a little self conscious about my own winter muffin top, I layered it over the jersey yesterday. When I took it off, I experienced the joy of balling it up and cramming it into my jersey pocket. Because apparently that’s what you’re supposed to do; you’re not supposed to cram your Patagonia jacket under your jersey and head home looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Because that looks retarded, even on me.
So while I’m hesitant to get into the functionality of either the vest or jersey - they still smell new! - I did get a fair amount of appreciative looks yesterday. Which is the only thing we women care about, anyway. Just kidding! No, but if you’re in the market for a women’s jersey made with boobs in mind, do check out the Capo Cortina.
And if you order from Competitive Cyclist, take it from me that the people who work there are the nicest people around. Seriously. Not only did they call me because I was a dumbass and made a mistake when I entered my credit card info, they also pronounced my name right. And let me tack that jersey onto my original order.
Seriously <3 them. Now go stalk their site and get yourself or your loved one the most ingenious jersey I’ve found so far. Go go go.